After receiving some much needed therapy the characters of Riverdale are getting back down to business and, honestly, it’s mostly as though those therapy sessions never happened.
Jughead, after winning the Baxter Brothers story competition by writing about ‘the boy in the river’, decides to hunt down his grandfather. Because all that talk about not glorifying the man who abused his dad has apparently been forgotten.
Lindsey: Oh, Jughead used Jason’s death
Love it when Bret SUCKS
Hils: Haha! Oh they totally gave that to Jughead to shut him up
Similarly, Archie is back on the streets wearing a hood and taking down bad guys like Batman. FP confronts him about it and Archie is open and unapologetic about his vigilante behaviour.
Lindsey: ARCHIE OWNED UP
Veronica and Hiram are still locked in an epic and obsessive battle for dominance. Hiram is now doing all his can to sabotage Veronica’s attempts to get into college after she rejected the one he went to. He comments, wryly, that she may end up having to attend Riverdale Community College.
Hils: Of course Riverdale has a Community College. I bet they all end up going there like the uni in Sunnydale that suddenly appeared when it was convenient
Jughead asks Charles to use his resources to help track down their grandfather.
Hils: OMG I forgot Jughead and Charles are also related
In his ongoing fued with Veronica, Hiram revokes the liquor licence for the speakeasy underneath Pop’s. Pop comments that Hiram wasn’t raised right which gives Veronica an idea. I’m sure this will go well.
While everyone else is ignoring their therapy Betty and Alice, at least, seem to have repaired their relationship following last week’s counselling session. Betty gets woken up in the middle of the night to be told that Polly has attacked a nurse at the facility where she’s staying. The nurse’s name was Betty.
Betty goes to visit Polly who says she has no memory of the attack.
Hils: Oh she’s totally been brainwashed
Lindsey: Huh. This is interesting
Veronica invites her grandmother, Hiram’s mother, to visit and tells her exactly what Hiram has been doing since things started escalating between them.
Lindsey: OMG getting Hiram’s mom involved his hilarious
While Betty tells Alice that she suspects someone did something to make Polly attack the nurse the phone rings. Alice answers, hangs up, and tries to attack Betty with a kitchen knife.
Betty realises that Alice has been hypnotised and snaps her fingers. It’s a good thing that works because Betty doesn’t even try to run when her mother is coming at her with a knife.
Betty says she’ll get Charles to trace the call.
Hils: FFS BETTY DON’T TRUST CHARLES
Lindsey: This is interesting and weird
Hiram’s mother pays him a visit to give him a much needed face slap and yells at him for picking fights with his own daughter.
Lindsey: AHAHAHAHA HIRAM MOM
Hiram is hot tho
Hils: You’re not wrong
Eddie, one of the kids from Archie’s gym, finds Dodger and his brothers and winds up in the hospital as a result. Again.
Charles traces the call that was made to Alice back to everyone’s favourite fictional prison.
Lindsey: SHANKSHAW PRISON
Hils: I will never be over that name
Betty deduces that since the Farm used to hypnotise people and Evelyn is currently locked up at Shankshaw that’s probably who called Polly and Alice.
Jughead, with Charles’ help, finds his grandfather living in a an old bus in the woods.
Hils: Jughead’s grandad is Santa!
Cheryl sets off several roach bombs to kill ‘anything that crawls within these walls’. Penelope staggers out of her hiding spot and collapses.
Hils: PENELOPE I KNEW IT
Lindsey: Ahhhh you called it with Penelope
Jughead tells his grandfather that he knows DuPont stole the Baxter Brothers idea and published it as his own. His grandfather says Jughead has the facts all wrong.
Lindsey: Gosh Forsythe One really does look like Santa
Archie goes to FP for help taking down Dodger and his brothers for good. FP agrees, but only if Archie promises to put the vigilante business behind him after this. FP says he needs to get changed before they head out.
Hils: Poor FP he’s inherited a reckless nephew
Lindsey: Ahahah FP isn’t going to break the law while dressed like a SHERIFF
Archie finds Dodger’s brothers and FP emerges from the shadows wearing his Serpent jacket. It’s been a while since we’ve seen him wearing it and it looks good.
Lindsey: Aaaaaah South Side jacket
Hils: I LOVE HIM
Cheryl says she’s putting Penelope on trial for all the things she has done over the years.
Hils: Cheryl is such a badass I love her
Lindsey: I was worried for a moment
I don’t know WHY. I should have known better when it comes to Cheryl
Jughead’s grandfather admits that he did indeed write the first Baxter Brothers book, but DuPont didn’t steal it. Jughead’s grandfather sold it to him and became a bitter drunk when he saw how popular the books had become. His grandfather tells Jughead to sign the contract and seize the opportunities he’s being given.
Evelyn happily admits that she was the one who hypnotised Polly and Alice into attacking Betty. She says they get programmed into thinking they are Betty and trying to kill Dark Betty (ie the actual Betty).
Lindsey: This is a whole new twist, even for Riverdale
Evelyn starts to say the trigger to Betty but Betty leaves before she can finish.
Archie and FP celebrate their victory at Pop’s, only to have things cut short when a hooded figure comes in and shoots at them, hitting FP in the shoulder.
Hils: OH MY GOD PEOPLE NEED TO STOP GETTING SHOT IN THAT DINER
Archie, of course, knows it was Dodger and vows revenge.
Betty talks to Charles about her conversation with Evelyn and wonders if she would have killed herself if Evelyn had finished saying the trigger. Charles suggests they try it in a safe environment where he can stop her if she tries to hurt herself. He says the trigger but nothing happens.
Cheryl delivers a guilty verdict and promises a sentence so vile that Penelope will wish she was bricked up in the walls.
Lindsey: Imagine being interrogated by a group made up of your daughter, your daughter’s girlfriend, Nana, a demon doll and the corpse of your son
Hils: “Prepare the chloroform.” What even is this show?
Veronica prepares one last blowout at the speakeasy before they lose their liquor licence. Hiram, of course, is there and so is the recruiter from Columbia University who Hiram arranged to be there to see Veronica outside of academia.
Lindsey: What college recruiter travels somewhere because a prospective student’s assistant told them to??
Archie confronts Dodger who points a gun at him and then tosses it aside so they can have a fist fight instead.
Hils: “I could shoot you but let’s have a fist fight instead!” WHY????
While Archie and Dodger fight the music overlaying the scene is Veronica performing Elton John’s Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting).
Hils: Ah, it’s been a while since we had a random song routine
Lindsey: And it’s an EXCELLENT choice of song
Archie overpowers Dodger and beats him unconscious while Dodger’s mother screams at him to stop. He finally does, only to see several kids from the community centre watching him.
Hils: Uh oh
Lindsey: SHIT Archie
Betty has a dream, or a vision, of seeing her younger self after she killed her cat and then sees her own hands covered in blood.
Lindsey: I think the tangerine thing did something to Betty
Jughead visits his father in hospital and tells him about the meeting with his grandfather and suggests they all get together to talk.
Hils: Jughead, no! Don’t force your dad to talk to his abusive father
FP clearly isn’t happy about this but points out that while he’s in the hospital he can’t exactly go anywhere. Jughead does not take the hint and goes back to find his grandfather again.
Penelope wakes up and finds herself handcuffed to the bed in the bunker that featured last season. Quite how this is worse than prison or being bricked up in the walls of Thistle House I don’t know. The bunker is spacious, there are no guards, Penelope doesn’t have to share it with anyone and can bathe in private.
Betty talks to Charles about her vision and says that when she killed Caramel as a child was when the dark part of her was born. Charles suggests if Betty goes back to that moment and stops it from happening then Dark Betty will never have existed.
Lindsey: Well visualising issues can be a really important part of cognitive behavioural therapy so for Betty herself, it makes a degree of sense that she’s visualising something and defeating it. Obviously it makes fuck all sense when it comes to defeating this nebulous “dark Betty” who’s apparently roosting in the subconscious of her mother and sister
Despite Hiram’s attempts to sabotage Veronica’s interview with Columbia the recruiter says she finds Veronica interesting and that she loves a good story.
It’s going to be interesting seeing what they do next season when seemingly all the main characters are applying to different colleges.
Jughead returns to his grandfather’s bus only to find that he’s gone.
Lindsey: And Santa granddad has gone
but that makes sense, it’s the busiest time of year for him
Hils: I wonder if he was a fake sent by DuPont to cover for him
Cheryl tells Toni that it’s time to bury Jason,
Lindsey: It is PAST time to bury Jason, Cheryl
Archie confesses to his mom that he beat Dodger to a pulp when he was getting ready to leave town. And with that confession it comes pouring out that he doesn’t understand why people like Dodger get to live when his dad is dead. How the kids from the centre who saw him looked at him like he was a monster.
Lindsey: ‘i’ve never felt further from dad than I do now’ is SUCH a strong statement
Hils: Poor Archie. He really needs more than a session with the school counsellor
Jughead signs the contract to be the next Baxter Brothers ghost writer and while he is doing so a mysterious note gets slid under his door telling him to go to the woods.
Lindsey: Jughead do NOT go into the woods oh my GOD
But, it’s Jughead, so of course he goes into the woods. Waiting for him are the rest of his study group, dressed in robes. Bret is brandishing a rock and Donna is carrying a skull. Not intimidating at all.
Hils: Something I have noticed. There’s 4 people in Jughead’s study group. Bret, Donna and two others. The two other barely get to speak and I don’t even know their names. They are both POC. Riverdale be like ‘look, diversity’ except it’s really not
Jughead, understandably, assumes Bret is finally going to kill him. Instead he is put through an almost anticlimactic initiation ceremony where he has to break open the skull with the rock to get his Quill and Bones pin.
Lindsey: I get so many mixed messages from these Stonewall preppies
Cheryl invites Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead to Jason’s funeral. Interestingly this is the first time all of the main characters have been all together at the same time for a few weeks. This season seems to be spending a lot of time having everyone focused on their individual storylines. Archie with the community centre, Betty with her family, Veronica with her dad and Jughead with his new school.
Jason is given a true Blossom funeral. Overly dramatic and with lots of fire.
Lindsey: IS JASON GETTING A VIKING FUNERAL
Hils: He sure is!
Lindsey: That is a hell of a lot of cgi fire
Hils: It’s so fake looking haha
A man lets himself into the community centre and introduces himself to Archie as Frank, his dad’s brother.
Hils: HOLY SHIT HE LOOKS LIKE LUKE PERRY TOO
Lindsey: I thought that when he appeared
What amazing casting
Betty wakes up and says the hypnosis trigger word to herself in the mirror before smashing it. She tells Alice she was just making sure the dark part of herself was really gone but I suspect we have not seen the end of Dark Betty.
Flashfoward and Betty is standing over Jughead with a rock in her hand. Archie says Jughead is dead and asks Betty what she did.
Lindsey: HOLY SHIT this is interesting
Hils: BETTY KILLED JUGHEAD
I mean probably not but what
Lindsey: That sure was an episode of Riverdale
Hils: Yep some stuff definitely happened
I feel…mostly confused