Finally, Riverdale has returned to the madness that we have come to associate and love about show.
Lindsey: Previously on: all the drama.
Hils: I’m still freaked out about JJ’s corpse in the chapel
After Mad Dog tells Archie he’s worried about his little brother hanging out at the arcade, which is apparently crawling with ‘fiends’, Archie renews his plan to turn his gym into a community centre. Because no teenager in Riverdale actually does normal things like school and homework.
Lindsey: Yes, this 17 year old is going to make a community centre. That makes sense.
Jughead, in the meantime, is moving into his dorm room at Stonewall Prep. It’s a bit of an upgrade from when he was sleeping in a closet in at the start of the first season.
After deciding resolutely that she was going to change her last name to Gomez at the end of the last episode Veronica is now having second thoughts and decides to wait and see what feels right. Archie invites her to the gym for a meeting about the community centre which apparently translates to ‘let’s have sex right now’.
Hils: Last week it was nostalgia sex, this week it’s community centre sex
Apparently the kids in Riverdale don’t need much to get them in the mood.
Moose is back! And he’s Jughead’s new roommate. I really love that after Moose (now Marmaduke) explains about his time in a mental health facility Jughead asks how he’s doing now, and genuinely seems to care. So often unless it’s relevant to something that’s happening to one of the main characters we don’t really pay much attention to what’s going on with everyone else. This was a really nicely done scene.
Of course it’s not a prep school without an entitled white boy throwing his weight around. Enter Brett.
Lindsey: WHO’S THIS ASSHOLE?
Back to the gym and Archie gets a rude awakening on what it takes to run a community centre.
Lindsey: Oh my god Archie having to face some reality about running a community centre AT SEVENTEEN
Hils: Nobody in this show has a realistic job. Like in Smallville when Lana ran a coffee shop at 16.
Edgar is back, and his cult is murdering FBI agents with apparently no ramifications.You’d think the death of an agent would see an increase in urgency or extra agents being added to the investigation but, no, it’s up to Betty to rescue her mother.
Meanwhile Cheryl is still living a modern Hammer Horror movie, with scratching coming from inside the walls, and Nana Rose staring into the fire in her nightgown looking almost like a ghost.
In an attempt to raise some of the money needed to renovate the gym into a community centre, Veronica has an idea that we can all appreciate.
Lindsey: It’s a car wash. THANK YOU RIVERDALE
Gratuitous shirtless Archie count: 1
Hils: OH MY GOD!
THIS IS AMAZING
Lindsey: I like that the girls are dressed more wholesomely
Unfortunately the financial pull of Archie’s pectorals doesn’t raise very much, so it’s back to the drawing board. Veronica’s other ideas include a Magic Mike night or The Full Monty, making her a woman after our own hearts.
Lindsey: Veronica is all about that objectification
Betty gets a call from Edgar and Chad Michael Murray has really dialled it up this season, drawling his list of demands while he paces around his compound with his shirt open. Abs are clearly a Riverdale requirement.
Lindsey: Edgar, your list of demands is ridiculous
Hils: Edgar is also allergic to shirts
Back to Jughead’s Dead Poet’s Society group, and we hear the end of a story written by Brett that reeks of pretentiousness.
Jughead, being Jughead, can’t help but voice his honest opinion. Jughead, when someone tells you they can take honest feedback they generally don’t mean it.
Lindsey: Don’t be honest, Jughead. DON’T DO IT
Hils: Do not
Brett takes ‘constrictive criticism’ about as well as you might expect a privileged boy who surrounds himself with sycophants.
Toni hires a night nurse to help with Nana Rose and the twins, turning to the most reliable of sources.
Lindsey: Yes. Online is a great place to find night nurses.
With impeccable timing as soon as Edgar tells Betty that he’s released a hostage, Polly appears in Charles’ office wearing a suicide vest. Because this show knows how to do drama.
Lindsey: POLLY IN A SUICIDE VEST
Hils: Oh my god this just went from zero to insane in a heartbeat
Lindsey: Absolutely typical Riverdale pacing
For reasons that aren’t quite explained Betty steps up to defuse the bomb rather than the FBI agent who is apparently qualified enough to tell her how to do it but not to actually do it himself.
At least he’s there to say ‘everybody get down’ when the bomb starts ticking down faster.
Lindsey: I feel like getting down is not sufficient. Maybe run like heellll
Luckily Betty is able to defuse the bomb with one of her trusty bobby pins.
Lindsey: AND WITH TWO SECONDS TO GO
Hils: Bobby pins fix everything
Back at the gym Mad Dog tells Archie that his little brother was jumped by some thugs for refusing to run drugs. We all know that vigilante Archie is never a good thing but, to everyone’s surprise, he opts to let the police handle it.
Lindsey: Gratuitous shirtless Archie count: 2
Betty decides to take matters into her own hands and get all the things Edgar has demanded. Luckily for her Veronica has $250,000 worth of not Faberge eggs lying around.
Lindsey: Glamourge? GLAMOURGE?
And, also, Toni handily ‘knows a guy’ with enough blank passports for everyone in Edgar’s cult. She apparently also knows how to break into and hotwire a school bus. All valuable life skills.
Despite the fact that it’s now night Edgar is still wandering around with his abs out.
Brett is back on his bullshit, trying to provoke Jughead, but not being able to deal with the consequences of his goading at all.
Lindsey: Jughead is way better at this psychological stuff than Brett ahaha
Hils: Haha! Brett was genuinely shitting himself
Veronica arrives home and, to her surprise, her dad is waiting there for her. This is a surprise for us too since the last time we saw Hiram he was in jail.
Lindsey: ‘I own that jail’ IS THE BEST LINE
Loving the parallels between Hiram and Veronica
Hils: Hiram is so great. I love him.
“Don’t bother changing the locks.”
Archie’s mom tries to convince him to leave Riverdale, and tells him that he has a college fund that she didn’t want to mention because she thought he’d want to use it on the community centre. It’s a beautiful scene where Mary lists all the reasons Riverdale should be abandoned and that just strengthens Archie’s resolve to try and make it better. Archie is very much like his father in this scene and it’s really nice to see.
Unfortunately that then motivates Archie to don a mask and take down the thugs who beat up Mad Dog’s brother.
Lindsey: ARE WE BACK TO VIGILANTE ARCHIE
Like as soon as you likened him to Fred
Hils: Oh no here we go again
Things continue to be creepy in the Blossom house when Cheryl goes down to visit her brother’s corpse and finds that he’s either moved by himself or been moved. The show is being cleverly ambiguous about everything surrounding Jason.
After an anonymous story competition has Jughead and Brett coming joint last Jughead seems to be mostly amused, whereas Brett is angry. I’m interested to see if more comes of Donna, who won the competition, and warned Jughead about Brett earlier in the episode.
Betty is reunited with her mother and Edgar’s master plan is revealed. His wife is going to drive all the cult members off a cliff as a distraction so Edgar can take off in his rocket.
A ROCKET? What the actual fuck?
Well, we’re back to bonkers.
Lindsey: Like, we go from gentle school drama to rockets and zombies
Hils: This show is so dumb I love it
Betty says it best. “Yeah, because harvesting organs isn’t enough.”
Cheryl is told there are rats in the house. Which is fair enough, but I’m fairly sure rats can’t move a wheelchair holding a human corpse.
The Cooper women team up to rescue the cult members and stop Edgar, who really does have a rocket.
Lindsey: There is an actual motherfucking rocket and Edgar is dressed like Evil Knievel what the hell is this show?
Alice kills Edgar, which (theoretically) wraps up The Farm storyline. Anything is possible with Riverdale, though. We thought the Black Hood storyline was over and that came back multiple times.
Mary decides to stay and work as a lawyer in Riverdale. I’m not sure what Archie was supposed to do if she’d just left him there and gone back to Chicago. I’m pretty sure social services would have had a thing or two to say about it.
Veronica tells her father that she’s changing her name to his former name, changing the locks and sleeping with a taser under her pillow. They really are more alike than I think either of them realises.
Back to the creepiest storyline and Cheryl visits her brother’s corpse again, only to see something start to move under his shirt. It’s a rat, which is better than a number of alternatives, I suppose.
Lindsey: Oh man that was gross
Hils: OMG I literally screamed
As Cheryl is getting ready to stitch Jason back together Toni walks in so the cat is out of the bag, or should that be the rat is out of the bag.
Brett gets his revenge on Jughead by exposing Moose’s past.
While Betty and Jughead fill each other in on what’s been going on someone rings the doorbell.
Hils: When someone says ‘this nightmare is finally over’ you know bad shit is going down
There’s no one at the door but someone has left a bag containing VCR tapes on the doorstep. I’m honestly amazed Betty and Jughead know what VCR tapes look like. Will they even have anything to play them on?
Lindsey: That sure was an episode of Riverdale
Hils: Yep, that is a thing that happened
This definitely felt like a classic episode of Riverdale. There was drama, intrigue, and a rocket.
The next episode airs on Halloween and is Halloween themed. I, for one, can’t wait to see what’s in store.